An Example of a Terrible Student Paper
Since this web site includes an example of a good student paper based on the tips given in the previous sites, it might also be good (and fun) to see an example of a bad student paper.
This is NOT a real paper by a student, so don't get worried that the paper will be yours. However, it is a conglomeration of many of the blunders that students have made in their final papers. It includes typos, spelling and grammatical errors. It also includes some logical errors, which may sometimes be a bit trickier to discover in your own paper. Errors are highlighted red, an explanation of why it is wrong is offered in the left column, and the student's thoughts are in the right column.
In order to avoid gender or
age stereotyping, the student who typed this is called "X."
The Assignment
The
assignment was pretty standard: a 5-7 page paper, using at least
three primary sources. There was no limit on the number of
secondary sources, but the professor recommended at least three
or four for a paper of this size.
The Research
One month before the paper was due, X decided to write about gladiators. The subject always interested X, especially after X saw the movie "Gladiator." However, X had a minor problem. When X went to the campus library to get books on the subject, all the books were already checked out. Frantic for a new topic, X sought guidance from the Possible Topics portion of the web site. The next topic that looked somewhat interesting was Roman Women. X checked out one of the books recommended from the site--Sarah Pomeroy's Goddesses, Whores, Wives, and Slaves--and conducted further research by typing "Roman Women" into the Internet browser. A few primary sources and an article came back. X thought that was enough material for the paper.
Since the majority of the
materials that X found on the web were about Roman marriage, X
decided that it would be best to narrow the topic from Roman
women to Roman marriage. One week before the paper was due,
X read the material. X looked up "marriage" in
the index to the Pomeroy book and only read those pages listed.
The night before the paper was due, X decided to write....
The Paper
Marriage in Rome
(What is wrong is on the left, and the student's thoughts are on the right.)
| Loaded statement--immediately tells
the reader that the writer is biased. By whose standards
were these women oppressed? Who's "they"? What is the issue? Where is the thesis? Is it the last sentence? If so, the "hook" doesn't lead up to the idea. |
Women have been oppressed throughout the ages. They were oppressed in Rome too. They were forced to get married and if the couple couldn't have children then they were supposed to get divorced. Women got married to someone their fathers picked when they were too young. They didn't have any rights at all. All their lives they were in constant dependency to their fathers or their husbands. Marriage in Rome was for the benefit of the state, which ultimately meant men received the benefits. | I've gotta have some kind of an intro--I should just put my thoughts down about this subject. |
| When quoting an authority, tell the
reader who you are quoting. "Such as." There are a few serious sentence fragments that needs patching up. What is "it", and what kind of leeway? Does this discussion of women becoming exempt from guardianship weaken the last sentence from the intro? "Amen to that." A cliche/slang and a terrible analysis of a quotation. Show the reader how it relates to your thesis--in other words, why you put it in there in the first place. |
"The weakness and light-mindedness of the female sex were the underlying principles of Roman legal theory that mandated all women to be under the custody of males. In childhood, a daughter fell under the sway of the eldest male ascendant in her family, the pater familias."1 She couldn't do anything without the permission of this family member. When he died, authority passed to the nearest male relative unless her father had designated another guardian in the will. A guardian was required when a woman performed important transactions. Such as accepting an inheritance, making a testament, or assuming a contractual obligation. By the late Republic, it was a burden to men acting as guardians, so there was some more leeway. In the legislation of Augustus--jus liberorum--freeborn or freedborn women who had three or four children were exempt from guardianship. Sarah Pomeroy says: "This provision incidentally impaired the juridical doctrine of the weakness of the female sex, by expressing the notion that at least those women who had demonstrated responsible behavior by bearing the children Rome needed could be deemed capable of acting without a male guardian."2 Amen to that. | I'll quote this because it sounds
good. This is all that's in my notes on the subject, which should equal about a good-sized paragraph. I believe Pomeroy's quote explains it all--no need for me to explain it. |
| 1st sentence: shameless plagiarism.
How does this information tie with the previous paragraph? Any explanation for the last two? |
The pater familias decided whether or not she would be married in a legal way that would release her from her father's authority and transfer that authority or power (manus) to her husband. If a marriage was contracted with manus, the bride became part of her husband's family as if she were his daughter. A wife became subject to a husband's manus in three different ways. The first was confarreatio (sharing of spelt--a coarse grain). It was a religious ceremony where the wife renounces her father's religion and worships at her father's hearth. The second was through coemptio, or a pretended sale, and the third was through usus, or a continuous cohabitation for one year.3 | I don't know anything about the last two so I'll just leave them like they are. |
| "A"--There
needs to be a transition here so the reader can follow
the writer's line of reasoning. Instead of explaining and interpreting the primary source, X has decided to drop a large chunk of the source for the reader to interpret. It looks like the student doesn't know what this is saying and/or is too lazy to interpret it for the reader. Generally speaking, don't start a sentence with "So." In this context it's a weak transition. Try "therefore" or "however" as transitional words. |
A Roman law describes
what marital subordination meant: Moreover, women who fall into marital subordination cease to be in the power of their father. But for those married by sharing of bread as husband and wife of a priest of Jupiter, it is provided by a resolution of the Senate moved by Maximus and Tubero that such a woman is regarded as being in marital subordination only so far as religious observances are concerned; in other matters, on the other hand, she is viewed just as if she had not fallen into marital subordination. However, women who have fallen into subordination by a contrived sale are freed from their parent's power; nor does it matter if they are subordinate to their husband or to some other person, although only those women who are subordinate to a husband are viewed as standing to him as a daughter.4 So the woman was subordinate to her husband just as her children were subordinate to him. |
This quote sounds good. If I type the whole thing I can use up more space. I guess I should make some kind of comment about this quote. |
| "It is
unclear" is a sentence of shameless
plagiarism. Who's saying this quote? |
It is unclear whether the husband in a manus marriage held absolute power over his wife. Writing during the reign of Emperor Augustus, Dionysius of Halicarnassus "states that according to the laws of Romulus, married women were obliged to conform themselves to their husbands, since they had no other refuge, while husbands ruled over their wives as possessions."5 According to Dionysius, a husband could inflict capital punishment on a wife guilty of adultery. But it is uncertain whether the husband had a right to kill her, divorce her, or kill her only with agreement of her male relatives. | Maybe if I change one word in the original sentence it will be considered a paraphrase. |
| There are some awkward sentences in
here. An explanation of these stories would provide a frame of reference for the reader. |
It's possible that the husband's authority was more ephermeral than the wife's father and blood kin. It was her family who surveillanced her drinking, and raped Lucretia appealed to her father and husband for joint vengeance in her behalf. It was the Sabine fathers who, when coming to reclaim their pregnant married daughters, told they didn't want to be forced between their fathers or husbands.6 | 2 pages down, 3 more to go... |
| Doesn't this idea contradict the "thesis?" | Marriage without manus was common by the late Republic. Wives and husbands had control over their own property and the wives were given more freedom. The husband had no formal authority over her. |
| Transition is not only nonexistent,
but it is also grammatically weak. Again, quoting from a large block of text in order to avoid analyzing it or to fill up space. "Back then"--where's the evidence? Unobjective--the analysis of the quote is according to the author's perspective and not from a historical one. It is absolutely off topic. What does this have to do with the thesis? |
There were lots
of rules over who could marry who.
Here's some of the Roman law regarding social status and
marriage: It
is provided by the lex Julia that: "A senator, or
his son, or his grandson or great-grandson by his son
shall not knowingly or in bad faith become betrothed to
or marry a freedwoman, or a woman who is or has been an
actress or whose father or mother practices, or has
practiced the profession of an actor. Nor shall the
daughter of a senator, or a granddaughter by his son, or
a great-granddaughter by this grandson marry a freedman,
or a man whose father or mother practices, or has
practiced the profession of an actor, whether they do so
knowingly, or in bad faith. Nor can any one of
these parties knowingly, or in bad faith became betrothed
to or marry a woman of this type." Back then they considered actors the lowest rank in society and that nobody should marry one. I think this is unfair because I'm an actor, and acting is a form of expressing yourself. |
I'm really looking forward to that
party this weekend. Hmm, I wonder what we've got to eat around here. I'm starving. |
| Jumping--no flow in thought. Shameless plagiarism. "There was this woman..." awkward. |
In the upper classes, marriages were arranged by men for political and financial profit of the families involved rather than for sentimental reasons. For example, when Caesar tried to gain Pompey's favor, he betrothed his daughter Julia to him even though she had been betrothed to another.8 Sometimes women in the late Republic initiated marriage alliances and chose lovers carefully, with a view of benefiting their own families. There was this woman Valeria who caught the attention of the dictator Sulla when they were at a gladiatorial event: | Ok, what's the next section in my notes? I'll just forget about what I've just written and move on. |
| Good text to use, but there are no
comments on how it applies to the thesis. Personal opinion not needed. Show how it applies to the whole of your paper. |
As she passed behind Sulla she leaned on him
with her hand and picked off a bit of lint from his cloak.
Then she went to her own seat. Sulla looked at her
in surprise. "It is nothing, Dictator,"
she said, "but I merely wish to share a little in
your good fortune." Sulla was not displeased
when he heard this, for he was clearly aroused. He
sent to find out her name, her family, and her background.
After that, they exchanged gazes, kept on turning their
heads to look at each other, interchanged smiles, and
finally there was a formal proposal of marriage.9 I like this passage because it shows that Valeria was in control of catching her husband. |
My 8th grade English teacher said we should always make a personal connection with the material, so I'll write what I think about this quote. |
| No transition, no tie-in to the "thesis." | Divorce could be initiated by the wife's father if she had not been emancipated from his authority upon her marriage. It was easily accomplished by either or both parties in the marriage. Children remained with the fathers. Divorce was prompted by political or personal considerations. No reason was legally required for a divorce, but sterility, assumed to be the wife's fault, was often a cause of divorce. When a wife committed adultery it was also cause for divorce. Men didn't get in trouble for adultery. If convicted of adultery, the wife lost half of her dowry, the adulterer was fined a portion of his property, and both were separately exiled. But the punishments might not have been so sharply adhered to.10 | Next section in my notes: |
| Needs better phrasing and a
transition between paragraphs. You don't need to put quotations around a large block of text, but you do need to tell the reader who you are quoting. Did the law discourage love in marriage? Give evidence. |
There was this one
woman named Turia who didn't follow the norm.
Her tombstone has a poem on it from her hsuband that
gives us insight to her marriage. She was married
for forty years yet had no children. "Acting on the, not surprising, Roman conviction that infertility was the woman's fault, Turia offered to divorce him, help find a suitable bride, then live in the household and help care for the children. There were precedents for infertility as the basis for divorce so she may have simply been offering what was commonplace. He records his anger at her suggestion that he might sacrifice their happiness in this way and devotes a lot of space to refuting this suggestion in what would appear to be a sincere affirmation of the success of the marriage."11 Even a childless marriage could be a happy one, even if the law discouraged their love. |
Yes! I'm at page 5. |
| This is dropped in like a bomb. What does it have to do with the thesis? X needs to tell why it is important for us to know this. | Traditional doctrine urged men to marry in order to rear children. Augustus' legislation was formed in order to keep as many women as possible in the married state and bearing children. For women, the penalties for nonmarriage started around age 20, whereas for men it was age 25.12 | I need just a little bit more to fill up this page. Here's a slice of something from my notes. |
| Pronouns are slipping all over the
place. Conclusion has nothing to do with what the paper talked about. This is what Prof. Jeff Nichols calls "Saluting the Flag." It is an attempt by the student to tie the topic to modern relevancy. However, it is greatly flawed because it assumes too much and has nothing to do with the topic. |
Women in Rome were oppressed, being forced to marry at a young age to a guy she didn't even love. They were dependent upon their husbands or fathers for everything. They had no rights. If they were able to have children then they were granted happiness by the state. Otherwise their lives were filled with rebuke and were supposed to divorce, although there are exceptions like Turia. Since the days of Rome, Western civilization has progressed to a point where we have eliminated these problems from our country, which is what makes America so great today. | I'm tired--time to wrap this up. Maybe I can get 3 hours of sleep before I turn this in. |
| Overview of the Paper and its Parts | Introductions | Literature Reviews |
| Presentation of Evidence | Conclusions | Citation |
| An Example of a Good Student Paper | Possible Topics | Michael Markowski's Home page |
Endnotes
1. Sarah B. Pomeroy, Goddesses, Whores, Wives, and Slaves: Women in Classical Antiquity (New York: Schocken Books, 1975), 150.
4. Gaius, Institutes. From Mary R. Lefkowitz and Maureen B. Fant, Women's Life in Greece & Rome: Legal Status in the Roman World. Available at http://www.uky.edu/ArtsSciences/Classics/wlgr/wlgr-romanlegal128.html. Accessed June 2000.
7. Paul, Lex Julia et Papia, Book 1. From Lefkowitz and Fant.
9. Plutarch, quoted in Pomeroy, 157.
11. Susan Martin, The Women of Rome: Private Lives and Public Personae. Available at http://www.dl.ket.org/latin2/mores/women/womentpg.htm. Accessed June 2000.